Coalition Coconut Cake

Evidently everybody wants my coconut cake recipe now since we served it at the Coalition Summit last Saturday.  I got it from Martha Stewart, and she got it from Robert Carter of the Peninsula Grill in Charleston, but I've added my real-talk notes in purple italics.  You gotta start it a couple days ahead of time to let the filling sit overnight, and then let the cakes cool completely before you start slicing or frosting.

And yes. Yes that is two and a half pounds of butter.  What, do you want to live forever?  It does make a very large cake, in my defense.

Three days before

Filling:

5 cups heavy cream - yes, five cups, if this makes you blink you should really stop here because this is not the recipe for you
3 cups sugar
1 pound (4 sticks) unsalted butter - look, did you come to play?
1/4 cup cornstarch
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
9 cups shredded sweetened coconut

Place cream, sugar, and butter in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally until sugar is dissolved. - Martha says medium but trust me, you're gonna want your big pot for this.  You do not want to see what five cups of cream and a pound of butter looks like when it boils over on your stove.

Meanwhile, in a small bowl, mix together cornstarch, vanilla, and 1 tablespoon water. Add to cream mixture, bring to a boil, and simmer until thickened, about 1 minute. - Ignore this tablespoon of water crap.  That's a trap for the unworthy.  You are not going to be able to mix a tablespoon of water into cornstarch.  Just add as much water as you need until it makes a slurry; you don't want lumps.  If you get lumps anyway, strain 'em out.  Lumps are gross.

Place coconut in the bowl of a food processor. Pulse until coconut is finely chopped. Remove cream mixture from heat and stir in coconut until well combined. Transfer to a large baking dish; let cool.
Cover filling with plastic wrap and chill overnight. Just before using, place mixture in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Beat until smooth and creamy, 4 to 5 minutes.

Two days before

Cake

Nonstick cooking spray with flour
1 pound unsalted butter, preferably European-style  - ha ha, Martha, you're adorable.  You don't need fancy butter but you do want it at least a little softened so your mixer doesn't do that thump thump thump thing.
3 cups sugar
6 large eggs
4 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tablespoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups heavy cream - go big or go home!
1 1/2 tablespoons pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon coconut extract

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Spray two 10-inch round cake pans with cooking spray; set aside. - I don't have ten inch pans; my smaller ones work fine with a little added time.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream together butter and sugar until light and fluffy, 5 to 6 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, and beat until creamy, occasionally scraping down sides of the bowl using a spatula.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a small bowl, mix together cream, vanilla, and coconut extract. With mixer on low speed, add flour mixture, alternating with cream mixture, beginning and ending with flour; beat until just combined. - Then clean up the giant mess you made with the flour.  

Pour batter into prepared cake pans and bake until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean, 40 to 45 minutes. Let cool completely on a wire rack before removing cakes from pans. - COMPLETELY.  Then throw them in the fridge overnight before you even think about putting your cake together.  You don't have time because it has to be done today?  You should have paid attention to my timeline.  I am ashamed.

Simple Syrup

You can make this stuff at any time, it keeps forever in your fridge

3/4 cup water

3/4 cup sugar

Place water and sugar in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally, until sugar has dissolved. Remove from heat and let cool.

One day before

Frosting

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature  - What, Madge, no fancypants butter this time?

8 ounces cream cheese

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

5 cups confectioners' sugar

1 vanilla bean, scraped  - Nice if you have it, but it's fine without

Place butter and cream cheese in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment; beat until creamy.

With mixer on low speed, slowly add vanilla extract, seeds from vanilla bean, and confectioners' sugar. Continue beating until smooth and creamy, about 3 minutes.

Assembly

2 cups sweetened shredded coconut flakes

2 Coconut Cake

Simple Syrup

Coconut Filling

Coconut Cake Frosting

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spread coconut flakes in an even layer on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet. Bake until golden, 5 to 7 minutes; set aside to cool. - It will probably take longer than that - you have to watch it like a hawk to keep it from burning.  Stir it some too.

Do NOT assemble your cake in a hot kitchen.  Definitely do not, for example, run out of counter space and assemble it on the stove surface on top of the oven you just used to toast coconut in.  Your icing will slump off your cake and it will look like it has a skin condition.

Using a serrated knife, trim tops of cakes to make level; discard trimmings.- Fool!  Eat the trimmings.  Cut each cake into 3 even layers. - Usually I would tell you to use dental floss to cut the layers, because it's easier than using a knife, but  floss didn't even make a dent in these cakes.  It's okay if they're all cattywampus, nobody will know once you're finished.  Place four strips of parchment paper around perimeter of a serving plate or lazy Susan. - This is so when you decorate your frosted cake with the toasted coconut you can remove the excess with the parchment.  If you've got a setup where it doesn't matter you can skip that step.

Place one layer on the cake plate. Brush with about one-fifth of the simple syrup. Spread over 2 cups of filling. Place a second layer on top.- If you break a layer, just shove it into place and dump some filling on it.  Seriously, nobody cares.  Repeat process with the next four layers and top with last remaining layer.

This will NOT FIT in a standard Tupperware Cake Taker.  Don't come crying to me when the top half slides off because you took a turn too hard and your cake was in a cutoff Amazon box; I warned you.

Spread top and sides of cake with frosting, keeping in mind you may not need to use all of it. - AHAHAHAHA you so crazy, M.  Press toasted coconut into sides of cake; remove parchment paper strips. Chill cake at least 5 hours and up to 5 days. Slice immediately; bring to room temperature before serving.